?

Whatever happened to this space?

I'm sorry for neglecting you but I've never been this apathetic before. There was one time when sharing the most mundane of happenings seemed rather cool. Now, even the biggest events are not worthy of reporting.

I've been kinda busy of late. But not that busy that I can still spend at least hours on Airline Manager everyday. Which is dumb. Really. Dumb. And now I'm foraging through the jungle of information for tomorrow's PBL. Maybe I should be the scribe so I'll appear occupied with the task of jotting down points pitched by other members in the group rather than looking like a Law student who had stumbled into an operation theatre.

It's killing me, this pathetic feeling of apathy. I honestly don't know what's happening to me nowadays.

Maybe I should be a scribe...

The Letter Y

Why do we do things we do?

Why wake up before 9 knowing that you'll fall asleep in lectures anyway?

Why read on so many things for additional coursework but end up saying nothing during discussion?

Why spend more than 2 days on Facebook yet still feel very much lonely?

Why buy tickets to a gig of an obscure band?

Why watch Twilight even though the concept is funny? Why want to watch the sequel despite the knowledge that most sequels are bad?

Why buy Tesco salad when there are more filling food out there? Conversely, why buy arteries choking food on daily basis?

Why buy the non-diet Alpro soya when there's a healthier option? (Honestly, 2%)

Why stare at an unconventionally pretty girl in a red jumper across the road while trying to black out the view of her boyfriend walking next to her?

Why buy another jumper when there's already 10 in the closet?

Why go to the gym if only to feel better about self?

Why look at a guy and sometimes think, "Hurm, he's kinda cute or hot", wondering if it's queer to think so after all?

Why curl up in the bed until noon arrives, reading a novel?

Why have plot bunnies jumping around but too lazy to 'capture' them?

Why waste money on Tesco reductions or buy-one-get-ones?

Why read lecture notes when they're simply repellent?

Why stall doing homework, even if the repercussions are dire?

Why bother going to bed early at night but still can't wake up early in the morning?

Why go to a friend's party, only to whip out the cell phone to defuse any awkwardness?
Why try to mingle with them when it's obvious they don't want you?

Why learn sign language at all?

Why run an event that is clipped with mountainous expectations?

Why play console games when it's not the best of distraction?

Why walk back from the GP practice when taking a bus is much more convenient?

Why cry in the dark, sensing everything is caving in and the haplessness can't be helped?

Why put on a happy façade when it's all shattered inside?

Why?

Why?

How come?

How come?

Why.

A Research on Research Papers

The medics read research paper but can't make the head or tail of its content.

The GPs have a stack of research papers on their desks as scrap papers.

The consultants keep an update on any new research matters for the purpose of finding if they've been cited by their peers.

The retired practitioners subscribe to medical journals as a habit but fare no better than us wee medics in understanding them.

So why am I rifling through Medline now?

Ballad of a Sick Boy

I'm sick but I'm happy
I'm sick but I'm kind
I'm sick but I'm grounded
I'm sick but I'm overwhelmed
I'm sick but I'm hopeful baby
I'm sick but I'm friendly
I'm sick but I'm laughing
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby.


Oh!

Plain idiocy...

It's official! I'm a tool. This is my third pilgrimage to the cyber cafe to refill the bloody EVAF form. It seems that I'm incapable of filling out a relatively simple form. Or perhaps it's plain paranoia. Maybe I can get past the bureaucracy with my botched forms but the thought of dealing with the American Embassy makes me slightly more neurotic. I sincerely doubt that they'll put my application under a microscope for a scrutiny. My mother portended bleakly that more troubles lie ahead of my application process. I'll be damned!

Fingers crossed, knock on the wood and all that jazz for this one to fall through. I don't want to brave another unholy visit to the Internet cafe.

Swine-y!!

So,what would result from a toxic combination of lack of rest and being in a massive crowd? Sore throat and a temperature. I'm chickening out now! How to impose a self quarantine when you're hundreds of miles away from home?

Killjoy.

I thought the local public library would be my salvation after being deprived of this luxury called the Internet for such a long time (at the thought, I winced). In for a disappointment I was. There's no mistaking that this blithering cut-off from the World (Wide Web) is killing me slowly. I have no other (cheap) means to keep tab on my friends. I have no idea how to keep informed on the development of H1N1 in Australia. I can no longer sate my appetite for some mindless Internet trawling. This is a fecking killjoy. If I can't find anything decent to read or something worthy to while the time away soon, I fear that I might rot. It seems that I'm pretty much booked on that doomed ride.

P.S: I did manage to scrape a couple of postings with this pathetic Internet connection. Indeed I should be grateful with whatever that's conferred to me. I am now more than thankful for an existing Internet connection, never mind the speed.

On leaving.

The company has been great. The stay exceeded the notion of bearable. A period of eight months is all for a few things to last a lifetime.

Yet, in the dying hours here, my head is filled with asinine thoughts. I can't help but to forecast that it is going to happen again. A cycle that is destined to kick in after every parting. Maybe it's not that bad. But it is remotely the best. 

Night wish

I have a fleeting urge to go to Tesco. I want to stand in one of the alleys, scanning the chaotic sea of packages that contain, preferably, food. And I'll stand there, and stare blankly at those colourful displays. And I'll stand there until the guard has to evict me from the premise, for the place is shutting down. 

I'm famished and half yearning for something chocolatey. Yet my conscience tells me that I shouldn't indulge the craving. 

I've reached a point that reality doesn't make much sense anymore. Such life.

Mocha is delicious, revision is not. Period.

This is rare, honest. Apathy has never swallowed me this deeply. PBL work = nada! It bugs me though but since this is gonna be our last session, I'll let it pass. No show today, perhaps? 

Random rambling at half past one. In the morning.

I have to say that it did strike a chord somewhere when Jal pointed out that my blog is spending too long a time in desertion. To be honest, this sad condition is long noted by yours truly but nothing has been done so far and regretfully, it's gonna stay that way for a longer period. 

I've been wanting to continue doing my pet project for a few days now. I was fiddling with some ideas for the story development and even to the extent of creating the scenes in my head. A short digression in the form of rereading A Good School further augmented the feeling. I have to mention that, after a second reading, that novel is laden with dark and disturbing homoerotic connotations. But I mustn't slander that great work by Yates a porno because it's remotely that. It's just inevitable for a novel describing life in a single sex school to exclude anything sexual. Anyway, my point is, I could sense the long lost fluidity called creativity is brewing and coming back from its viscosity. 

I would have happily started tapping away on my keyboard but nay, I dragged my feet. Ultimately, all the sparks slowly died down and the last of the free running creative juice slowly seeped back to its little hidey hole. Yes, it stopped even before it began. 

Now, the future of my blog. I think I've reached that twilight zone. It's the time when I should seriously contemplate on throwing in the towel....

I don't know. God, give me strength.

Drowned in one of the Lochs...

It's funny how some things that are meant for something good can take a 180 degrees turn and morph themselves to something really ugly.

My impassive reaction to a certain proposal has hurt people left and right. There's no justification for it, even if there's any, it's too diminutive to be considered of any substance. And despite my attempt to remain oblivious to it, I can't help myself but to pick up the noticeable changes in the atmosphere. People might laugh or smile or even talk to you but for all you know, it could have been a show. It's not something that they should be blamed on. What goes around does come around so my seemingly impervious self has to pay for the fault committed. And it's ironic that I claimed to be impregnable yet I'm very much shaken to the core by this.

Apology might come as the most natural thing now and I'm doing it with my heart. 

Sorry guys for being a letdown.

All I Wanna Do

Posting a lyric is not I normally do on my blog but the current situation makes it feel kinda apt. It's also an honest response to the previous post. This song speaks volume of what I'm feeling now.

Hit it!

This ain't no disco

It ain't no country club either

This is LA (really?)!

"All I wanna do is have a little fun before I die,"

Says the man next to me out of nowhere

It's apropos

Of nothing

He says his name's William but I'm sure

He's Bill or Billy or Mac or Buddy

And he's plain ugly to me

And I wonder if he's ever had a day of fun in his whole life

We are drinking beer at noon on Tuesday

In a bar that faces a giant car wash

The good people of the world are washing their cars

On their lunch break, hosing and scrubbing

As best they can in skirts in suits 

They drive their shiny Datsuns and Buicks

Back to the phone company, the record store too

Well, they're nothing like Billy and me, coz

All I wanna do is have some fun

I got a feeling I'm not the only one

All I wanna do is have some fun

I got a feeling I'm not the only one

All I wanna do is have some fun

Until the sun comes up over Santa Monica Boulevard

I like a good beer buzz early in the morning

And Billy likes to peel the labels

From his bottles of Bud

He shreds them on the bar

Then he lights every match in an oversized pack

Letting each one burn down to his thick fingers

Before blowing and cushing them out

And he's watching the bottles of Bud as they spin on the floor

And a happy couple enters the bar

Dangerously close to one another

The bartender looks up from his wants ad

All I wanna do is have some fun

I got a feeling I'm not the only one

All I wanna do is have some fun

I got a feeling I'm not the only one

All I wanna do is have some fun

Until the sun comes up over Santa Monica Boulevard

Otherwise the bar is ours

The day and the night and the car wash too

The matches and the Buds and the clean and dirty cars

The sun and the moon

But

All I wanna do is have some fun

I got a feeling I'm not the only one

All I wanna do is have some fun

I got a feeling I'm not the only one

All I wanna do is have some fun

Until the sun comes up over Santa Monica Boulevard

If you look past the characters, setting, and activities, you'll get the idea of what I'm trying to convey. To have fun irrespective to what people think. 

The Brief,Not So Wondrous Life of Firdaus...

It's kinda apt to say that I can draw parallel to the brief life of Oscar Wao. However, one should be hazarded that this doesn't mean that I'm being pretentious by claiming to have a wondrous life. Because mine is remotely that. 

If I were to be sold at a market, I'll only cost a measly dime and people can still expect to get some change. Utterly talentless and completely deficient in creativity, it is no wonder that I can be valued as such.

It's a God's simple truth, however bitter it is. I can only hope for a mediocre life. Even that seems unachievable for someone who has no special quality to offer.

P.A.N.I.C!On the West Nicolson Street.

Just a week ago my flatmate was applying for a job to make the ends meet. He wasn't too worried about paying for education fee at the university, which is provided free for the Scottish. He was more keen to sustain his day-to-day existence. Frankly, it's not too surprising judging from the amount of alcohol these people douse, the endless club entrance fees they have to pay, and the seemingly innumerable packets of microwave-ready food they consume. Another thing about these people is they don't rely on their parents to provide them with funding. That was why I was slightly surprised (and slighted I s'ppose) when a friend whose father is a GP (doctor) turned down my offer to traipse the continent during Easter break due to financial reasons. One might hazard a guess that a GP's son will never have this sort of problem. Apparently, he believes in a great degree of independence which doesn't exclude financial freedom. The same sentiment is echoed by my other friends too. They would rather earn their own money than running to daddy to chuck in a penny or two. After the wee kitchen conversation we had, I found myself some assurance that I wouldn't feel the pinch of the ongoing financial crisis felt the world over since I have a relatively stable financial source.

How wrong I was! After a particular incident yesterday, my financial outlook now bears great bleakness. The buffer zone has been breached as the account balance dips to a new low. I wouldn't have been too bothered if I don't have grandiose plans for Easter. On top of that, I have to pay for the April rent and the flight ticket booked by Aqtar. I will also be struggling to fund my daily expenditures such as buying lunch and commuting to the hospital, the latter is done at least twice a week. 

In retrospect, this financial collapse is inevitable. I've passed one too many red lights yet made little amends to it. My incessant investment in the recently discovered hobby has contributed dearly to this problem. With my wee knowledge in economics, I should have known that A&F, Esprit, Topman, Gap etc. are one of the most illiquid forms of asset one could possess. I also have the tendency to spend liberally on food and entertainment in which a huge chunk is lost to attending musicals and movie premieres. Indeed buying on impulse has become one of the greatest personal tragedies. 

Inundated in debts and bogged down by prohibitive maintenance cost, I see no future in aiding my ailing bank account. Unless MARA is kind enough to bank in our monthly allowance soon (which is very unlikely), I have to resort to a few options, none of which is something that I look forward to taking. 

The first one would be doing an overdraft. But just like IMF, it is replete with hidden costs and interest. To escape interest, I can borrow from friends. But this only means that I'll be booked on a doomed ride to infinite debts. The most formidable option is to ask for the FaMa fund which is akin to the government injection. But having learned a stuff or two from the local people, I will strive to avoid this exit.

I have yet to picture the monstrous effect this latest turn of event has. Even if I have, I can't never bring myself to face it. Some form of financial rescue will become a necessity in the nearest future but what I will come to appreciate more is a certain amount of self-restrain attached to the so-called financial package.  

  

Backtracked...

After years of leaving the school, I found myself once again reminiscing on the days past.I left the school with fond memories forever etched in my limited memory space and needless to say, bad memories reek forever in the same place. (Fact: 70% of the small, anti-upgrade memory space of mine are occupied by these saccharine sweet recollections).  Fret not as this recollection is self- indulgent and I’m more keen to share all the mischievous deeds I did then, serious some of them were and some were more of adolescent imprudence. These are a few facts that make me smile even today thinking how lucky I was not to be expelled from the school (haha.Wishful thinking!):

#1: The fact that I goofed up on the stage when giving a speech at the assembly and unintentionally mixed up the father’s name of the Principal with the name of the school Senior Administrator. Funnily enough, I pretended to be oblivious to this and went on with my speech without offering an apology to them. Till this day, I have yet clarified myself to them.

#2: The fact that I spent less than 10 hours throughout the year in my class during Prep hours. I have this inclination to spend time at other classes and never like the place allocated for me. I spent the first 10 minutes in the class before squirming restlessly in my seat and stealing glances at the watch waiting for the time to leave the class. Since I was a nomad and spent most of my time outside of the class, I hardly got along with my classmates.

#3: The fact that I brought my mobile phone to school and the wardens passed by my locker during weekly inspection and spot checks as if it didn’t contain anything illegal. The said item was safely stashed in a biscuit tin and even the warden notorious of busting people out, Ustaz Khai didn’t do as much as to ask about the content of the tin. One of the seniors in my dorm had his locker ransacked by the same warden in which the ‘hot’ item was later found.   

#4: The fact that I abused the privilege of using the magazine room to study and lepak-ing. This was my true escapade and the only place that I could meet friends from other classes. The place that I spent more than 80% of my school life. The place used to skip assemblies and classes. The place that certain camaraderie was sworn not to be broken by trials and tribulations (which I begin to doubt now...Anyways!). The place to gossip, to debate and to use the damn realplayer and Winamp. The place to catch a nap and everything in between during Prep hours. I often consider this as my biggest crime for the rules clearly stated that students should not use any special room other than to do work related to the sanctioning of the room in the first place. And no assembly skipping. And to be at places other than classrooms during Prep is a serious offence.Aah, how I miss the room!

#5: The fact that I told a blatant lie to dear Mr Shafrin, our GPK HEM. Some trend developed after the final exam, which was to skip school. It happened when we were allowed to go home on that weekend to celebrate the coming of Ramadhan and I returned to school three days late. Surprisingly enough, it was not only I who did the same thing. About 100 students returned to school later than we were asked to and the teachers were enraged. Since the students had the audacity to break the rules on an unprecedented scale, the school was more than glad to punish those who had no proper reasons to justify their late return. I was cunning enough to produce an MC letter, a side story on how I got this dire stomach ailment and I got by without any action taken on me.

#6: The fact that I went out almost everyday without permission from the authority. My partners-in-crime were none other than Akmal and Zul and occasionally, Kelly and Nizam. The master of this all was none other than the formidable and forever sweet Puan Rohaiza. It was just a matter of starting the car engine (Kompressor) and we were all over the place (KLCC, Jusco Maluri, Leisure Mall among others). When everyone else was cooped up in the heat soaked classroom, we were busy feasting ourselves with some great gastronomic deals. If eating out was not favoured at that time, we would order Pizza Hut and McDonald’s via phone and ate lunch in her room. OMG, I just love these moments!

#7. The fact that I violated the strict rule of outing. One incident was when Pn. Wan held some jamuan at her house (I suspect it was for my friends and I). Since we were notorious in lepak-ing, we easily surpassed the time limit. Worried not we were as Pn. Wan called the warden to inform that we’d be late. Strangely enough, the warden didn't seem to care. On another occasion, Zul and I went out with her even though it was not an outing weekend. Or went to Jusco with Cikgu Rose when everyone else was hvg this seminar.

#8: The fact that my friends and I went to town without the presence of a teacher during school hours. What if we got caught? Expulsion seemed inevitable. And I thank God even till now that even though we bumped into our moody counselor on the LRT, he din seem to notice us. What luck! If he spotted us, we would be sent straight to hell.

#9: The fact that I skipped classes just because the temptation of instant Nescafe provided at certain room was too overwhelming to pass. I skipped the entire PE classes and occasionally when me, Akmal and Zul got carried away, we even missed Sejarah, Pendidikan Islam and Fizik classes. I was a no-show in the class if there were no class at that time and the room had become my secluded hideaway. No, I’m not mentioning the magazine room.

#10: The fact that I had my mp3 on during exam. One of the invigilating teachers spotted me with the thing on but the sly me managed to tuck the earphones away from his view into my shirt. Believe me, it was bloody hard to pull the earphones into my shirt that I had to unbutton my shirt first.

Phew, what a reminiscence! When I come to think of it again, I just realize how wrong my actions were. So many rules were broken, so many hearts were hurt, so much damage had been done. Please forgive me. God, help me redeem myself.

P.S: I miss the school time when life was much simpler and the expectations were much less...

There's always a black cloud out there...

February is just a few days old and I'm already at my wit's end. Granted, there's plenty of stuff to look forward to; West Side Story the musical in a week time and an excursion to London at the end of the month. But this proverbial month of love is already marred by some unwanted events. To make life easy for me, I'll make a list of things which have happened (or will happen?) that are not quite to my liking.

1) At the head of the month, I found out that I've fallen short of my expectations. Indeed I've grown to become an excessively ambitious moron over the period of one month or so. Suffice to say that it hurt really badly when I didn't quite make it...

2) I've been binging on piles of snacks (Walkers S&V, Sainsbury's Chocolate Cornflakes, Mars and Snickers, and Ben and Jerry's to name a few) and downing copious amount of 'unhealthy drinks' over these past couple of weeks that the deed now borders on becoming a sin. What makes it more frustrating is my indolence in partaking in physical activities. That can only mean that my gym membership utilisation is nowhere near its optimum level.

3) The meticulously planned Easter getaway is on the brink of falling through completely. Participation is the main issue here. We've been scrambling to find people who are interested to join us in a traipse across Europe. To entice people, an itinerary has been conceived replete with transportation and accommodation details. Rather unfortunately, this has been bypassed by them leaving only the two of us still eager to go through the journey in its entirety.  

4) I'm hoping that they'll bank in my stipend at the end of this month. The cash reserve has now almost reached its zenith. 

5) Preferential treatment has never been this conspicuous...

6) I'm overwhelmed by the workload. Tuesdays have degraded to become the most dreaded day-of -the-week and the Reason #1 cements the status of Strand 2 as being unlovable. And it baffles me how easily some people can read the ECG...

I need to take a breather. Maybe I won't be too poppyish in the coming few days so I sincerely apologise if my moroseness afflicts the people around me. 

Ah-ha, it's over and done with now!

Call it a long hiatus but my desertion of the blog was somewhat justified.

I would always cringe whenever I go to a blog that has a traffic feeder. Not only it's telling the owner who has been stalking them and from where, it also functions as a speedometer to gauge the blog's popularity. But the idea of being able to trace the origin of the readers disturbs me the most. I deem it as a severe infringement of privacy and an intrusion to freedom of accessing information. Of course, it's the insecurity in me speaking.

Anyways, the term has ended with a minor bang. Minor because it has been blighted by an insufferably difficult assessment. To careen myself back to reality, I went to Waterstone's right after the exam and parted ways with a handsome sum of money for four novels. I have no idea when I'm ever gonna finish them. But the splurge was enough to shine some happiness into the bleak creases of my personal despair.

I think I didn't say proper goodbyes nor did I wish some of my friends 'Merry Christmas' at the end of the exam. Although I might have argued that everyone was embroiled in frantic attempts to console each other and recovering from the consensual mindless stab in the dark in the exam hall, there's a feeling of incompleteness in me for not even trying to do it. 

The truth is, I seem to have been trying so hard to blend in but I still need to clock in more miles before they even accept me as one of their peers. The After Exam Party should have been a good start to break through the mould. However, I see it as a futile effort at being more sociable by witnessing some friends numbing their senses with booze and losing me entirely. And I will be at the fringe, unsure of what to do and struggling to come up with some dodgy jokes that these people so like. Doesn't it just defeat the purpose?

So, here I am. The end of term is celebrated with Amadeus and The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao. On top of that, I am in the strive of becoming the next Cleanliness Champion and I have 70+ podcasts in Spanish to be endured. Happy Holidays peeps!

P.S: I need a tag to do. Pronto.

End Game??

Drained.That's what happened to my ideas. I've got things to share but I've not the will nor the skill to do so. This might be the end...

I really salute those who have the energy, time and most important of all, resources that appear inexhaustable to do the updating daily.

Maybe my life's plauged by monotony.

I can only offer you morsels...

Anyone's planning to do medic,please reconsider.It'll be soon before long that this blog get a fair share of neglect.

1. Damn you,HBoS!Damn you!

2. I'm gonna sign up for gym membership once I get my card back (which,I think,will take forever). Wednesday is the Sports Day for the students at the Uni. Many turn up in appropriate gears at lectures on Wednesday mornings. And they'll party harder in the evening.

3. I'm gonna hunt for the White Tiger, recently crowned with the title of Booker Prize Winner. The excerpts make the novel seem promising.

4. I hate Tuesdays and Fridays. Strand 2 and long hours at school. It couldn't get any worse.

5. My form of entertainment nowadays is Hell in a Cell match. Good stuff I found on YouTube.

6. Went to see my DoS. The hospital where she's working is so picturesque. And isolated. A good setting for a mindless horror flick which relies solely on gore.

7. There's mid-season sale at numerous stores on Princes St. Very tempting but my inability to access my acount is a blithering killjoy. Bummer!

8. I've lost much of my writing skill...;-( Not that there's any to begin with...