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Whatever happened to this space?

I'm sorry for neglecting you but I've never been this apathetic before. There was one time when sharing the most mundane of happenings seemed rather cool. Now, even the biggest events are not worthy of reporting.

I've been kinda busy of late. But not that busy that I can still spend at least hours on Airline Manager everyday. Which is dumb. Really. Dumb. And now I'm foraging through the jungle of information for tomorrow's PBL. Maybe I should be the scribe so I'll appear occupied with the task of jotting down points pitched by other members in the group rather than looking like a Law student who had stumbled into an operation theatre.

It's killing me, this pathetic feeling of apathy. I honestly don't know what's happening to me nowadays.

Maybe I should be a scribe...

I desperately need a Hoover before Monday!

So I spent close to one hour wandering around the Waverley Station. Exams? What exams?

The Letter Y

Why do we do things we do?

Why wake up before 9 knowing that you'll fall asleep in lectures anyway?

Why read on so many things for additional coursework but end up saying nothing during discussion?

Why spend more than 2 days on Facebook yet still feel very much lonely?

Why buy tickets to a gig of an obscure band?

Why watch Twilight even though the concept is funny? Why want to watch the sequel despite the knowledge that most sequels are bad?

Why buy Tesco salad when there are more filling food out there? Conversely, why buy arteries choking food on daily basis?

Why buy the non-diet Alpro soya when there's a healthier option? (Honestly, 2%)

Why stare at an unconventionally pretty girl in a red jumper across the road while trying to black out the view of her boyfriend walking next to her?

Why buy another jumper when there's already 10 in the closet?

Why go to the gym if only to feel better about self?

Why look at a guy and sometimes think, "Hurm, he's kinda cute or hot", wondering if it's queer to think so after all?

Why curl up in the bed until noon arrives, reading a novel?

Why have plot bunnies jumping around but too lazy to 'capture' them?

Why waste money on Tesco reductions or buy-one-get-ones?

Why read lecture notes when they're simply repellent?

Why stall doing homework, even if the repercussions are dire?

Why bother going to bed early at night but still can't wake up early in the morning?

Why go to a friend's party, only to whip out the cell phone to defuse any awkwardness?
Why try to mingle with them when it's obvious they don't want you?

Why learn sign language at all?

Why run an event that is clipped with mountainous expectations?

Why play console games when it's not the best of distraction?

Why walk back from the GP practice when taking a bus is much more convenient?

Why cry in the dark, sensing everything is caving in and the haplessness can't be helped?

Why put on a happy façade when it's all shattered inside?

Why?

Why?

How come?

How come?

Why.

Video of the Year, no?

So it's not wrong to refresh your Facebook homepage, like, in every ten seconds. Had I not done that, I wouldn't have come across this really interesting posting by one of the friends. He uploaded a video that's almost 20 minutes long, covering his journey on a double decker in London. I was speechless at first. Bemusement took over really soon. For the life of me, the thought that you could chart your daily journey in a video and post it for the world to see never crosses my mind. It's understandable that he's all giddy with his newfound status as a Londoner but to shoot that video? It must have taken him a lot of patience (and energy) to hold whatever device he used to make the recording in position. I didn't watch it in its entirety, otherwise I would've wasted 20 minutes of my life but the video, as far as I had seen, was pretty good. I really salute him. Ahahaha.

Remind me to make a video of myself traversing down Fifth Avenue...

Midnight in the Afternoon...

I've been blighted by a new disease recently.

An extended afternoon nap is not good especially when you have a backlog of things to do.

I always tell myself to wake up after half an hour or at most, 60 minutes but that doesn't seem to happen. Every time I'm on the precipice of waking up, the stronger force to keep me asleep yank me back into the Slumberland.

This is definitely NOT good!

A Research on Research Papers

The medics read research paper but can't make the head or tail of its content.

The GPs have a stack of research papers on their desks as scrap papers.

The consultants keep an update on any new research matters for the purpose of finding if they've been cited by their peers.

The retired practitioners subscribe to medical journals as a habit but fare no better than us wee medics in understanding them.

So why am I rifling through Medline now?

Ballad of a Sick Boy

I'm sick but I'm happy
I'm sick but I'm kind
I'm sick but I'm grounded
I'm sick but I'm overwhelmed
I'm sick but I'm hopeful baby
I'm sick but I'm friendly
I'm sick but I'm laughing
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby.


Oh!

Plain idiocy...

It's official! I'm a tool. This is my third pilgrimage to the cyber cafe to refill the bloody EVAF form. It seems that I'm incapable of filling out a relatively simple form. Or perhaps it's plain paranoia. Maybe I can get past the bureaucracy with my botched forms but the thought of dealing with the American Embassy makes me slightly more neurotic. I sincerely doubt that they'll put my application under a microscope for a scrutiny. My mother portended bleakly that more troubles lie ahead of my application process. I'll be damned!

Fingers crossed, knock on the wood and all that jazz for this one to fall through. I don't want to brave another unholy visit to the Internet cafe.

The Countdown!

Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer
To... Oh, never mind that.

So many things are ending rather soon.
My stay at home, my current love (work), and hopefully my US visa app.

Trust me, there's no specific emotion I'm able to express now. It's all a muddled cocktail.

Life, as we come to like and get acquainted with...

“Our lives are shaped by opportunities, even the ones that we missed”

- a quote. Not my usual stuff. But I like it to bits.

A Contemplation

Look around you. And think for a second. Have you attained enough in your life? You probably think you haven't. But is that really the case? Sometimes we don't have to look further to see a world filled with miseries. It might exist right at your own backyard. Maybe it's a place you pass by everyday. Maybe it's around the corner where you get your favourite 'roti canai'. But in our frenzied chase for a loft facing KLCC or a slick Mini Cooper or a walk-in closet brimming with Armanis and Pradas, we don't stop to see that others are deprived of even the most basic needs. Will you slow down and drink in the scenes around you? Probably you would. Probably you would not. If you do, will you try to introduce a difference in their lives. Tricky business this is. You might think that they're condemned to suffer the cycle. You might think that there's nothing that can be done to cause the remarkable shift in their lives. You might forfeit any hopes for them to lead a different story.

You're wrong if you do. Life's arduous but that doesn't mean it's thorns and barbwire along the way. A simple deed might touch their lives forever, setting them on a completely different course. All you need to do is to open your eyes and open your arms. Embrace their faults and try to turn them around. Daunting it might sound but however little you do might mean a mountain in the hereafter.

You can't get too much on your plate!

Life has a funny way to sneak up on you. 

I have to be contented with the fact that nothing eventful had taken place in my life. But that doesn't mean that I'm not grateful. Last week saw me spending more time in the haze-chocked KL. I was in a considerable scare when I had a temperature on Sunday night. It was pretty bad what with badly parched throat and slight dizziness. Mercifully, after taking two tablets, the fever went away when I woke up the next morning. But it doesn't mean that I'm clear from that vile virus. I could be harboring them without me realizing it.

I also went to school to speak to the Form 4 students. Had it not been for Raiz's invitation, I would never come round to give a talk on scholarships and whatnot. My only regret was that we didn't talk to the Form Fivers who, in my view, are in a greater need for the information. When I was in Form 4, I didn't even think about the future let alone trying to get myself abroad. Sorry, I was not that ambitious and still am not!

The highlight of the two trips is the chance to catch up with old friends. I particularly take delight in meeting Lawi after a year of separation. It seems that time really do fly when you're having fun.

The new abode promises a properly working Internet connection. I'm majorly elated!

A-Levels results were also announced last Monday. As usual, surprises were abound. Not making the grades is now a staple news every year. For those who managed to get the desired grades, felicitations. For those who didn't, don't be sad. Plenty of opportunities are still available for you to pursue. When a door closes, another opens.

But what shocked me the most was  the news of a certain group of juniors who were involved in an automobile mishap. What threw me was the victim in the said accident. I must fess up that he's not exactly my most favourite character. Hence, some really backtalking, if you get my drift. Now, I'm ridden with guilt. It's difficult not to if the said person is knocking on the Death's door. I pray for his safety. 

To kill the time, I've read a number of novels. It's only recently that I discovered that I hadn't been reading too many of new things. My personal faves are Life of Pi, Spud (already bought the sequel on Amazon), Trainspotting, and The Reluctant Fundamentalist. I ought to get more books to be read. In the meantime, I'm working on my project. Am glad that it's really shaping up. 

Swine-y!!

So,what would result from a toxic combination of lack of rest and being in a massive crowd? Sore throat and a temperature. I'm chickening out now! How to impose a self quarantine when you're hundreds of miles away from home?

You are what you eat

There's bound to be a day when you go to a restaurant, the waiter is nowhere in sight or the person sitting in the next cubicle gets his order first even though it is apparent that you are already there before him. Indeed, such travails that include the waiter mixing up our orders or the food comes ten minutes too late that it's now lukewarm draw ire out of us. We'll shoot daggers when the unsuspecting waiter finally comes with our food while fumbling for apologies and drown him in sarcasm. Worse, we'll be more than obliged to pull the strings as irked consumers and have the waiter's lackluster performance reported to the power-that-be.

I cannot deny that I sometimes become irritated by this poor show of service, which, if happens, I'll walk out. But most of the time, I tend to symphatise with the waiters. The restaurant could be packed to the capacity or the floor could be understaffed. There are plenty of reasons to explain why the standard of the service is not up to scratch. I could clearly envision myself rushing to take orders from costumers, cleaning the table, and bringing the food to the table and in the process, getting myself all confused and burnt out. Mixing orders would only become natural after such ordeal.

Maybe it's all down to luck.   

Huis

A very chaotic and cluttered hall, a bunch of seemingly aimless kids loitering around in front of the house (now manning a  burger stall. They're not that hopeless), and scorching environ. 

Indeed I'm home.

On leaving.

The company has been great. The stay exceeded the notion of bearable. A period of eight months is all for a few things to last a lifetime.

Yet, in the dying hours here, my head is filled with asinine thoughts. I can't help but to forecast that it is going to happen again. A cycle that is destined to kick in after every parting. Maybe it's not that bad. But it is remotely the best. 

Packpackpack.Peck!

I now stand in the midst of packed items, accordingly quartered to their summer destinations. It's a process not to be undermined. Soon, this creaky top floor loft would convert to a past haunting. I must admit that communication was sparse. I was and still am a blithering hopeless at socialising around. Forever an outcast, I removed myself further from the idea of blending in. I had and would never use booze to loosen the tongue nor I was a keen member of the dancefloor. All that remains is an absence, which is something that I'm neither proud of nor regret.

Night wish

I have a fleeting urge to go to Tesco. I want to stand in one of the alleys, scanning the chaotic sea of packages that contain, preferably, food. And I'll stand there, and stare blankly at those colourful displays. And I'll stand there until the guard has to evict me from the premise, for the place is shutting down. 

I'm famished and half yearning for something chocolatey. Yet my conscience tells me that I shouldn't indulge the craving. 

I've reached a point that reality doesn't make much sense anymore. Such life.

Sotto Voce

Do you have pesky teeny voices at the back of your head when you're ploughing through the mountain of lecture notes, online practice pages or text books? I do. In fact, this wee digression is a product of one of these voices.

It's really annoying considering the fact that you've strained considerably to put focus on your reading. But these haranguing voices, daring you to do stuff irrelevant to the task at hand, are always there. An omnipresent, infinitesimally important presence, if anything. 

Right now, I have these flitting happily through my mind:

- Did I miss something in that game?

- I should call them. Oh wait, how much credit am I left with?

- Where should I go next winter? Paris is definitely a yes but where else?

- Damn, the laundry! 

- Need to refresh Facebook now. God knows what have happened in the last, say, two minutes?

- Will there ever be justice in the world? When will Malaysian leaders wake up?

- What should I have for lunch today? Should I ask someone to eat out with me? Or should I just grab a bowl of cold salad from Tesco?

- Need to refresh Twitter too!

- What should I get her? And how to make sure it arrives on time?

- Who's gonna cook tonight?

And loads of other stuff. You see, I'm so distracted that there's no way that I'll ever get my revision done. Also, I have a very short attention span. I can hold it for 10 or 15 minutes. Or maybe less. After that, I'll do something really counter productive for hours on end. 

Acht weel!

Random rambling at half past one. In the morning.

I have to say that it did strike a chord somewhere when Jal pointed out that my blog is spending too long a time in desertion. To be honest, this sad condition is long noted by yours truly but nothing has been done so far and regretfully, it's gonna stay that way for a longer period. 

I've been wanting to continue doing my pet project for a few days now. I was fiddling with some ideas for the story development and even to the extent of creating the scenes in my head. A short digression in the form of rereading A Good School further augmented the feeling. I have to mention that, after a second reading, that novel is laden with dark and disturbing homoerotic connotations. But I mustn't slander that great work by Yates a porno because it's remotely that. It's just inevitable for a novel describing life in a single sex school to exclude anything sexual. Anyway, my point is, I could sense the long lost fluidity called creativity is brewing and coming back from its viscosity. 

I would have happily started tapping away on my keyboard but nay, I dragged my feet. Ultimately, all the sparks slowly died down and the last of the free running creative juice slowly seeped back to its little hidey hole. Yes, it stopped even before it began. 

Now, the future of my blog. I think I've reached that twilight zone. It's the time when I should seriously contemplate on throwing in the towel....

I don't know. God, give me strength.