?

Whatever happened to this space?

I'm sorry for neglecting you but I've never been this apathetic before. There was one time when sharing the most mundane of happenings seemed rather cool. Now, even the biggest events are not worthy of reporting.

I've been kinda busy of late. But not that busy that I can still spend at least hours on Airline Manager everyday. Which is dumb. Really. Dumb. And now I'm foraging through the jungle of information for tomorrow's PBL. Maybe I should be the scribe so I'll appear occupied with the task of jotting down points pitched by other members in the group rather than looking like a Law student who had stumbled into an operation theatre.

It's killing me, this pathetic feeling of apathy. I honestly don't know what's happening to me nowadays.

Maybe I should be a scribe...

I desperately need a Hoover before Monday!

So I spent close to one hour wandering around the Waverley Station. Exams? What exams?

The Letter Y

Why do we do things we do?

Why wake up before 9 knowing that you'll fall asleep in lectures anyway?

Why read on so many things for additional coursework but end up saying nothing during discussion?

Why spend more than 2 days on Facebook yet still feel very much lonely?

Why buy tickets to a gig of an obscure band?

Why watch Twilight even though the concept is funny? Why want to watch the sequel despite the knowledge that most sequels are bad?

Why buy Tesco salad when there are more filling food out there? Conversely, why buy arteries choking food on daily basis?

Why buy the non-diet Alpro soya when there's a healthier option? (Honestly, 2%)

Why stare at an unconventionally pretty girl in a red jumper across the road while trying to black out the view of her boyfriend walking next to her?

Why buy another jumper when there's already 10 in the closet?

Why go to the gym if only to feel better about self?

Why look at a guy and sometimes think, "Hurm, he's kinda cute or hot", wondering if it's queer to think so after all?

Why curl up in the bed until noon arrives, reading a novel?

Why have plot bunnies jumping around but too lazy to 'capture' them?

Why waste money on Tesco reductions or buy-one-get-ones?

Why read lecture notes when they're simply repellent?

Why stall doing homework, even if the repercussions are dire?

Why bother going to bed early at night but still can't wake up early in the morning?

Why go to a friend's party, only to whip out the cell phone to defuse any awkwardness?
Why try to mingle with them when it's obvious they don't want you?

Why learn sign language at all?

Why run an event that is clipped with mountainous expectations?

Why play console games when it's not the best of distraction?

Why walk back from the GP practice when taking a bus is much more convenient?

Why cry in the dark, sensing everything is caving in and the haplessness can't be helped?

Why put on a happy façade when it's all shattered inside?

Why?

Why?

How come?

How come?

Why.

Video of the Year, no?

So it's not wrong to refresh your Facebook homepage, like, in every ten seconds. Had I not done that, I wouldn't have come across this really interesting posting by one of the friends. He uploaded a video that's almost 20 minutes long, covering his journey on a double decker in London. I was speechless at first. Bemusement took over really soon. For the life of me, the thought that you could chart your daily journey in a video and post it for the world to see never crosses my mind. It's understandable that he's all giddy with his newfound status as a Londoner but to shoot that video? It must have taken him a lot of patience (and energy) to hold whatever device he used to make the recording in position. I didn't watch it in its entirety, otherwise I would've wasted 20 minutes of my life but the video, as far as I had seen, was pretty good. I really salute him. Ahahaha.

Remind me to make a video of myself traversing down Fifth Avenue...

Midnight in the Afternoon...

I've been blighted by a new disease recently.

An extended afternoon nap is not good especially when you have a backlog of things to do.

I always tell myself to wake up after half an hour or at most, 60 minutes but that doesn't seem to happen. Every time I'm on the precipice of waking up, the stronger force to keep me asleep yank me back into the Slumberland.

This is definitely NOT good!

A Research on Research Papers

The medics read research paper but can't make the head or tail of its content.

The GPs have a stack of research papers on their desks as scrap papers.

The consultants keep an update on any new research matters for the purpose of finding if they've been cited by their peers.

The retired practitioners subscribe to medical journals as a habit but fare no better than us wee medics in understanding them.

So why am I rifling through Medline now?

Ballad of a Sick Boy

I'm sick but I'm happy
I'm sick but I'm kind
I'm sick but I'm grounded
I'm sick but I'm overwhelmed
I'm sick but I'm hopeful baby
I'm sick but I'm friendly
I'm sick but I'm laughing
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby.


Oh!

On leaving.

The company has been great. The stay exceeded the notion of bearable. A period of eight months is all for a few things to last a lifetime.

Yet, in the dying hours here, my head is filled with asinine thoughts. I can't help but to forecast that it is going to happen again. A cycle that is destined to kick in after every parting. Maybe it's not that bad. But it is remotely the best. 

Packpackpack.Peck!

I now stand in the midst of packed items, accordingly quartered to their summer destinations. It's a process not to be undermined. Soon, this creaky top floor loft would convert to a past haunting. I must admit that communication was sparse. I was and still am a blithering hopeless at socialising around. Forever an outcast, I removed myself further from the idea of blending in. I had and would never use booze to loosen the tongue nor I was a keen member of the dancefloor. All that remains is an absence, which is something that I'm neither proud of nor regret.

Night wish

I have a fleeting urge to go to Tesco. I want to stand in one of the alleys, scanning the chaotic sea of packages that contain, preferably, food. And I'll stand there, and stare blankly at those colourful displays. And I'll stand there until the guard has to evict me from the premise, for the place is shutting down. 

I'm famished and half yearning for something chocolatey. Yet my conscience tells me that I shouldn't indulge the craving. 

I've reached a point that reality doesn't make much sense anymore. Such life.

Mocha is delicious, revision is not. Period.

This is rare, honest. Apathy has never swallowed me this deeply. PBL work = nada! It bugs me though but since this is gonna be our last session, I'll let it pass. No show today, perhaps? 

Sotto Voce

Do you have pesky teeny voices at the back of your head when you're ploughing through the mountain of lecture notes, online practice pages or text books? I do. In fact, this wee digression is a product of one of these voices.

It's really annoying considering the fact that you've strained considerably to put focus on your reading. But these haranguing voices, daring you to do stuff irrelevant to the task at hand, are always there. An omnipresent, infinitesimally important presence, if anything. 

Right now, I have these flitting happily through my mind:

- Did I miss something in that game?

- I should call them. Oh wait, how much credit am I left with?

- Where should I go next winter? Paris is definitely a yes but where else?

- Damn, the laundry! 

- Need to refresh Facebook now. God knows what have happened in the last, say, two minutes?

- Will there ever be justice in the world? When will Malaysian leaders wake up?

- What should I have for lunch today? Should I ask someone to eat out with me? Or should I just grab a bowl of cold salad from Tesco?

- Need to refresh Twitter too!

- What should I get her? And how to make sure it arrives on time?

- Who's gonna cook tonight?

And loads of other stuff. You see, I'm so distracted that there's no way that I'll ever get my revision done. Also, I have a very short attention span. I can hold it for 10 or 15 minutes. Or maybe less. After that, I'll do something really counter productive for hours on end. 

Acht weel!

Random rambling at half past one. In the morning.

I have to say that it did strike a chord somewhere when Jal pointed out that my blog is spending too long a time in desertion. To be honest, this sad condition is long noted by yours truly but nothing has been done so far and regretfully, it's gonna stay that way for a longer period. 

I've been wanting to continue doing my pet project for a few days now. I was fiddling with some ideas for the story development and even to the extent of creating the scenes in my head. A short digression in the form of rereading A Good School further augmented the feeling. I have to mention that, after a second reading, that novel is laden with dark and disturbing homoerotic connotations. But I mustn't slander that great work by Yates a porno because it's remotely that. It's just inevitable for a novel describing life in a single sex school to exclude anything sexual. Anyway, my point is, I could sense the long lost fluidity called creativity is brewing and coming back from its viscosity. 

I would have happily started tapping away on my keyboard but nay, I dragged my feet. Ultimately, all the sparks slowly died down and the last of the free running creative juice slowly seeped back to its little hidey hole. Yes, it stopped even before it began. 

Now, the future of my blog. I think I've reached that twilight zone. It's the time when I should seriously contemplate on throwing in the towel....

I don't know. God, give me strength.

Viva Italia!

Bonjorno!

It's been almost a month that I left Italy. I have a lot to recount but time is not a treasure that I possess. Furthermore, my writing block is getting bigger and bigger hence my inadequacy in describing situations well. For a more concise report, go here. 

Staying true to a certain travel guide series, I've come up with a top ten list of the trip.

#1. Traversing through Rome's urbanscape reminded me much of Kuala Lumpur sans the neck breaking skyscrapers. There, low cost flats made up the fringe of the city. I love the sights of clothes hanging from the lines and windows, the undeterred energy of kids playing and the ubiquitous graffiti...

#2 ...which leads me to the graffiti. You can find this so-called form of art nearly everywhere which includes walls of public buildings, bus stops, and the sides of trains! Sadly, with combined power of the enforcement lax and the unlimited passion of the artists, some of the historical sites are also desecrated by graffiti. One example would be Grand Rialto bridge in Venice. It's an eyesore to see some writings scrawled on one side of the bridge.

#3 Shopaholics, beware! Many fashion houses call Italy their mecca. And Italianos are so into fashion that they can easily fall into two categories, the winners and the victims. Anyways, you can easily get Louis Buitton or Bucci from dealers which you can find prowling the streets of all major cities in Italy. To make the irony more pronounced, some of them operate near huge billboards asking people to avoid these fake items. To be honest, most of the stuff are really second grade. You can tell the difference almost immediately. Maybe they should learn the art of faking from the Far Eastern cousins...

#4 Getting lost in Venice might be the most delicious experience ever. Don't bother consulting a map because the road network is equally complicated as the alveoli in your lungs. And trying to pinpoint your current location on the map is also a hopeless cause. Some of the roads are unlabelled while others are too minute to be spotted from the map right away. As I said earlier, getting lost might turn out to be good after all provided it's not nighttime. You might stumble upon hidden treasures in the countless alleyways or you'll appreciate the romance of the city even more...

#5 Italianos are most helpful when it comes to asking directions. The only problem is they always point straight ahead, neglecting the fact that there's a huge block of houses or a river right in front of you. You'll get to your desired location eventually but that's after 500 turns or so...

#6 I would say that it's a compulsory to have gelato every day in Italy. You'll be hard pressed to find any ice cream quite like theirs anywhere else...

#7 I think I've seen half of the most important work of arts in the world in Italy. There's the humongous yet deliciously detailed David, the famous frescoes of Sistine Chapel, the incomplete but highly revered Adoration of Magi by da Vinci, the famous Boticelli's The Birth of Venus and numerous other art objects that I've seen depicted in books or movies. 

#8 Water rides in Venice may seem fun for the first half an hour or so. It fizzles out soon after. It takes eons to get from one point to another. Gondolas are strictly for the rich due to its prohibitive ride fee.

#9 I'll seriouly recommend anyone visiting Venice to stay at Dimora dei Fiori. It's easily the best hostel I've stayed in. It offers the unbeatable view of the canal and is absolutely gorgeous at dawn/dusk.

#10 Rome: Historical (duh!), streets of Pisa - Dreamy, Florence - intensely Romantic, Venice - dreamily romantic.

Drowned in one of the Lochs...

It's funny how some things that are meant for something good can take a 180 degrees turn and morph themselves to something really ugly.

My impassive reaction to a certain proposal has hurt people left and right. There's no justification for it, even if there's any, it's too diminutive to be considered of any substance. And despite my attempt to remain oblivious to it, I can't help myself but to pick up the noticeable changes in the atmosphere. People might laugh or smile or even talk to you but for all you know, it could have been a show. It's not something that they should be blamed on. What goes around does come around so my seemingly impervious self has to pay for the fault committed. And it's ironic that I claimed to be impregnable yet I'm very much shaken to the core by this.

Apology might come as the most natural thing now and I'm doing it with my heart. 

Sorry guys for being a letdown.

All I Wanna Do

Posting a lyric is not I normally do on my blog but the current situation makes it feel kinda apt. It's also an honest response to the previous post. This song speaks volume of what I'm feeling now.

Hit it!

This ain't no disco

It ain't no country club either

This is LA (really?)!

"All I wanna do is have a little fun before I die,"

Says the man next to me out of nowhere

It's apropos

Of nothing

He says his name's William but I'm sure

He's Bill or Billy or Mac or Buddy

And he's plain ugly to me

And I wonder if he's ever had a day of fun in his whole life

We are drinking beer at noon on Tuesday

In a bar that faces a giant car wash

The good people of the world are washing their cars

On their lunch break, hosing and scrubbing

As best they can in skirts in suits 

They drive their shiny Datsuns and Buicks

Back to the phone company, the record store too

Well, they're nothing like Billy and me, coz

All I wanna do is have some fun

I got a feeling I'm not the only one

All I wanna do is have some fun

I got a feeling I'm not the only one

All I wanna do is have some fun

Until the sun comes up over Santa Monica Boulevard

I like a good beer buzz early in the morning

And Billy likes to peel the labels

From his bottles of Bud

He shreds them on the bar

Then he lights every match in an oversized pack

Letting each one burn down to his thick fingers

Before blowing and cushing them out

And he's watching the bottles of Bud as they spin on the floor

And a happy couple enters the bar

Dangerously close to one another

The bartender looks up from his wants ad

All I wanna do is have some fun

I got a feeling I'm not the only one

All I wanna do is have some fun

I got a feeling I'm not the only one

All I wanna do is have some fun

Until the sun comes up over Santa Monica Boulevard

Otherwise the bar is ours

The day and the night and the car wash too

The matches and the Buds and the clean and dirty cars

The sun and the moon

But

All I wanna do is have some fun

I got a feeling I'm not the only one

All I wanna do is have some fun

I got a feeling I'm not the only one

All I wanna do is have some fun

Until the sun comes up over Santa Monica Boulevard

If you look past the characters, setting, and activities, you'll get the idea of what I'm trying to convey. To have fun irrespective to what people think. 

Reflection

Being called 'bongok' and 'really crappy' really made my day. It made me smile. We're riddled with imperfections, are we not?

Laa-dee-daa, laa-dee-daa!

I think I'm gonna scrimp and start eating salad for lunch. It's cheaper and healthier.

Annie Hall is excessively hilarious! Just a little over 90 minutes, the message conveyed is succinct and effective. It's laced with jokes that are subtle yet overtly done (if you get what I mean). In addition, it's backed by an amazing cast. Diane Keaton is stellar being ditzy and Woody Allen is convincingly neurotic. Indeed it's a triumphant comedy. I seriously recommend everyone to watch it, at least once.  

The Brief,Not So Wondrous Life of Firdaus...

It's kinda apt to say that I can draw parallel to the brief life of Oscar Wao. However, one should be hazarded that this doesn't mean that I'm being pretentious by claiming to have a wondrous life. Because mine is remotely that. 

If I were to be sold at a market, I'll only cost a measly dime and people can still expect to get some change. Utterly talentless and completely deficient in creativity, it is no wonder that I can be valued as such.

It's a God's simple truth, however bitter it is. I can only hope for a mediocre life. Even that seems unachievable for someone who has no special quality to offer.

P.A.N.I.C!On the West Nicolson Street.

Just a week ago my flatmate was applying for a job to make the ends meet. He wasn't too worried about paying for education fee at the university, which is provided free for the Scottish. He was more keen to sustain his day-to-day existence. Frankly, it's not too surprising judging from the amount of alcohol these people douse, the endless club entrance fees they have to pay, and the seemingly innumerable packets of microwave-ready food they consume. Another thing about these people is they don't rely on their parents to provide them with funding. That was why I was slightly surprised (and slighted I s'ppose) when a friend whose father is a GP (doctor) turned down my offer to traipse the continent during Easter break due to financial reasons. One might hazard a guess that a GP's son will never have this sort of problem. Apparently, he believes in a great degree of independence which doesn't exclude financial freedom. The same sentiment is echoed by my other friends too. They would rather earn their own money than running to daddy to chuck in a penny or two. After the wee kitchen conversation we had, I found myself some assurance that I wouldn't feel the pinch of the ongoing financial crisis felt the world over since I have a relatively stable financial source.

How wrong I was! After a particular incident yesterday, my financial outlook now bears great bleakness. The buffer zone has been breached as the account balance dips to a new low. I wouldn't have been too bothered if I don't have grandiose plans for Easter. On top of that, I have to pay for the April rent and the flight ticket booked by Aqtar. I will also be struggling to fund my daily expenditures such as buying lunch and commuting to the hospital, the latter is done at least twice a week. 

In retrospect, this financial collapse is inevitable. I've passed one too many red lights yet made little amends to it. My incessant investment in the recently discovered hobby has contributed dearly to this problem. With my wee knowledge in economics, I should have known that A&F, Esprit, Topman, Gap etc. are one of the most illiquid forms of asset one could possess. I also have the tendency to spend liberally on food and entertainment in which a huge chunk is lost to attending musicals and movie premieres. Indeed buying on impulse has become one of the greatest personal tragedies. 

Inundated in debts and bogged down by prohibitive maintenance cost, I see no future in aiding my ailing bank account. Unless MARA is kind enough to bank in our monthly allowance soon (which is very unlikely), I have to resort to a few options, none of which is something that I look forward to taking. 

The first one would be doing an overdraft. But just like IMF, it is replete with hidden costs and interest. To escape interest, I can borrow from friends. But this only means that I'll be booked on a doomed ride to infinite debts. The most formidable option is to ask for the FaMa fund which is akin to the government injection. But having learned a stuff or two from the local people, I will strive to avoid this exit.

I have yet to picture the monstrous effect this latest turn of event has. Even if I have, I can't never bring myself to face it. Some form of financial rescue will become a necessity in the nearest future but what I will come to appreciate more is a certain amount of self-restrain attached to the so-called financial package.