Apparently, friendship can be bought and sold at a 7-11 outlet...

Note: This is not a eulogy for any number of friendships that I have had…

This is something that I fish out from my dear old blog with a few alterations here and there. It’s a fitting tribute to my current standing as a friend to many now that I’ve read someone’s blog hitherto was made private. I’m not saying that I’m bringing my friendship back to the drawing board to be examined. Nor that I’m planning to dismiss it after my thorough evaluation. I’m trying to comprehend the complex nature of friendship that is…

Some time last year, I hit the bottommost point. I know that there is no use to commiserate with me on my irrevocably lost dream. Life, as we know it, has to go on even though the latest turn of events are not in favor of us. That I have to swallow my own medicine however bitter it is. And at this critical juncture, I need friends (apart from family that is) to fall on. A shoulder to cry on.

There’s no point of denying the fact that a friendship cultivated and matured in a matter of a year or two has as shaky a foundation as a house of cards built in a bowl of wobbly pudding. With a slight shake applied on the bowl simulating an earthquake, the house crumbles. And it shall not come as a surprise that such friendship, ‘born’ on the basis of “mutual understanding and interests” can fall to pieces as easily.

I don’t and won’t regret befriending them. We shared our crude jokes, juicy gossips, tear-inducing news, and anger together and even though this fragile friendship is now fractured, your presence leaves a permanent footprint in my heart. The fact that we now share almost zero common ground may cause the drift. Distance further estranges us as frequent interactions provide sustenance for friendship to continue. Yes, I confess that I feel awkward to initiate conversation with former schoolmates. We’re done with reminiscing the past and no matter how hard we try to sweeten it, to pepper it, the stories will only become tardier. This is because our very attempt to give life to them erodes their memorable qualities. In the end, we abandon our futile effort and inevitably, our friendship.

The abovementioned proposition may sound selfish. Some friendships do survive this acid test and carry on with the momentum of “mutual understanding and interests”. I still cherish this bond I share with some of my friends. Oddly enough, some of them were not even in my clique and worse I couldn’t stand them before! But they are there when I need their helping hand and soothing voice can be a phone call, an e-mail or an SMS away from me. I still make regular appearance in their prayers and well wishes are easily expressed. But do I do justice to them? Do I return the call when they most need me? Do I pray good luck for them? What makes me different from my ex-best friends (I’m ashamed to call them this)? I guess I just don’t know…

To reiterate the points above, I shall divulge these two real stories.

Story number 1: I admit that Shah is condescending. Dour. His words are laced with sarcasm, invisible to the oblivious but can easily be detected with simple analysis. But what makes him a friend indeed? This incident may seem trivial but it defined his friendship. He gave his bed for me to sleep in while he resorted to his study table to sleep during my impromptu visit to AAJ! Truth be told, I’m still ridden with guilt up to this day for putting him in such trouble. I don’t forgo my bed as easily for a friend but he has proven himself that he’s such a wonderful acquaintance even though we rarely saw eye-to-eye before.

Story number 2: This is about my selfish-self. Shahril and I were like peas in a pod before. We spent most of our time together and confided in many stories that permeated through the porous wall of our thoughts (this has a much deeper meaning). But class streaming brought a halt to this wonderful journey. He predicted that I would spend a great deal less time with him when we’re in different classes. I assured him that it wouldn’t happen. Eventually, the premonition was made a reality and we were very much like ordinary friends. This very fact hurt him but I, after finding a new clique, pretty much ignored him and moved on with my life. Even now, I deem his SMS trifling, our conversation forced, and our stories don’t seem linked anymore.

So, why bother to blame my ex-best friends if I also behave like them? A half of me finds it extremely hard to chuck out friendship even after a long period of time of no communication while the other half feels OK to let go of old friends once the “mutual understanding and interests” have evanesced into nothingness. Only circumstances can resolve this acute conflict, determining which half prevails over another.

I like Pidah’s idea about friendship. “Enjoy it while it lasts. Carry on with your life when it didn’t.” I’m hopelessly naive and this idea seems ideal given the circumstances. Up to 21 June 2008, I was basking in the full glory of my college friendships. Now the college life is over, I’m not too sure whether things will turn out good. Props to mom by saying that I’ll get over the people in the past soon. She experienced the void too after she left her school, her college, and her former workplaces. Almost certainly, the chasm was filled not long after she parted ways with her colleagues. However, it didn’t mean that she hadn’t kept tab on her friends. Only the time spent on evoking the past was greatly reduced. Me, I think the future is shrouded with uncertainty but I earnestly hope that these bonds are everlasting ones. I won’t expect much from them when THE time comes and they too shouldn’t expect too much from me then.

Quoting Jojo, “We’re just ordinary people.”